Hard Love

I remember growing up like it was only yesterday
Mom & Daddy tried their best to guide me on my way
But the hard times & the liquor drove the easy love away
And the only love I knew about was hard love

It was hard love, every hour of the day
When Christmas to my birthday was a million years away
And the fear that came between them drove the tears into my play
There was love in daddy's house, but it was hard love

And I recall the gentle courtesy you gave me as I tried
To dissemble in politeness all the love I felt inside
And for every song of laughter was another song that cried
This ain't no easy weekend, this is hard love

It was hard love, every step of the way
Hard to be so close to you, so hard to turn away
And when all the stars and sentimental songs dissolved to day
There was nothing left to sing about but hard love

So I loved you for your courage, and your gentle sense of shame
And I loved you for your laughter and your language and your name
And I knew it was impossible, but I loved you just the same
Though' the only love I gave to you was hard love

It was hard love, it was hard on you, I know
When the only love I gave to you was love I couldn't show
You forgave the heart that loved you as your lover turned to go
Leaving nothing but the memory of hard love

So I'm standing in this phone booth with a dollar and a dime
Wondering what to say to you to ease your troubled mind
For the Lord's cross might redeem us, but our own just wastes our time
And to tell the two apart is always hard, love

So I'll tell you that I love you even though I'm far away
And I'll tell you how you change me as I live from day to day
How you help me to accept myself and I won't forget to say
Love is never wasted, even when it's hard love

Yes, it's hard love, but it's love all the same
Not the stuff of fantasy, but more than just a game
And the only kind of miracle that's worthy of the name
For the love that heals our lives is mostly hard love

-Bob Franke

Bigla kong naalala ito. Nabasa kong ginamit sa librong Hard Love din ang titulo ni Ellen Whittlinger. Ang lungkot kasi ng buhay ngayon. Parang hindi ko mawari kung bakit ganito ang pakiramdam ko.

Tinik

Simula ngayon, magiging normal na ang lahat. Hindi na magtatanong. Hindi na magtataka. Hindi na mag-iisip. Hindi na ulit makakaramdam. Hinding hindi na magkakamaling maniwala sa wala.

The Scar

You had my heart inside your hand.

And you played it to the beat.

Denial

There's this little twinge of ache that must be destroyed.

Anong Sense?

Minsan gusto kong magtanong.

Magtanong para malaman ko.

Malaman para wala lang.

Wala namang kailangang kasunod eh.

Ngunit wala akong makuhang sagot.

Subalit wala naman pala talaga.

Kaya hayaan na lang natin.

Unti-unti, mawawala na lang din.

Tips Upang Maging Isang Matagumpay na Stalker - I

1. Magkaroon ng taong pagbubuhusan ng lahat ng iyong pagod, pawis, oras, atensyon, at pati na rin dugo.

2. Siguraduhing tipong tipo mo nga ang taong ito.

3. Kapag sigurado ka na, irelaks mo ang iyong sarili at ihanda sa iyong natatanging misyon.

4. Sauluhin ang kanyang mukha, ang korte ng kanyang katawan, ang kanyang lakad, ang kanyang galaw at ang pinakamahalaga, ang kanyang pigura kapag siya ay nakatalikod. Maniwala ka, ito ang pinakamatinding detalye na hindi mo dapat kalimutan.

5. Alamin ang kanyang pangalan. Mas mahalaga ang last name pero ayos lang kung first name o nickname man yan. Kung hindi agad malaman, gawan siya ng pangalang gusto mong itawag sa kanya. Halimbawa, honey, mahal, sweetie, cutie pie, at kung anu-ano pa. Pero please lang ha, wag mong ipaalam sa mga kaibigan mo ito kasi baka hindi ka na nila kausapin.

6. Magbigay ng atensyon sa mga kasuotan niya, gamit niya, sapatos niya, sa mga taong nakapaligid sa kanya. Makakatulong ang mga detalyeng ito para lagi mo siyang masipat.

7. Kung kaya, itatak din sa isipan ang ilan sa mga pangalan ng mga taong nakapaligid sa kanya. Yung tingin mo may koneksyon sa kanya kahit papaano.

8. Kapag may mukha at pangalan na, log in ka agad sa Facebook mo. Search mo agad siya. Kung maraming resulta, isa-isahin. Kung marunong gumamit ng Advanced Search options, gamitin ang mga ibang bagay na alam mo na sa kanya. Kung wala pa rin, gamitin ang angking galing sa research. Andyan si Google. Anu't ano pa man, malaki ang posibilidad na may identidad na yan sa virtual world.

9. Kung wala talaga siya kahit anong klaseng search ang gawin mo, malamang sinaunang tao siya. Maganda ito. May pagka-tradisyunal siya. Exciting. Kaya bumalik ka rin sa mga sinaunang paraan. Manmanan mo siya sa personal.

10. Kung malaki ang tiwala mo sa iyong sarili, maigeng ipahalata mo na trip mo siya. Hindi ibig sabihin na lalapitan mo siya upang sabihin na gusto mo siya (pero pwede rin kung komportable ka sa ganitong mga pamamaraan). Ang ibig sabihin, iparamdam mo na tinitignan mo siya at may bahagya kang interes. Minsan magpahuli ka na nakatingin ka. Minsan naman, isnabin mo. Hayaan mo siyang mag-isip. Hayaan mong isipin ka niya. Hayaan mong siya mismo ang magbukas ng sarili niya sa iyong presensya.

Itutuloy....

Unsent

I remember pouring this out a year ago. I never thought of posting it anywhere but here it is.

I never would have written this. Except that I can't stand how indifferent you are to your family. I've been able to live through a whole year without the need to speak to you, see you, or think about you and all the things you have done. I just wanted to forget about you and end our memories so that I'll only have the happy times with you in my brain vault. I would rather be silent but I see my mother and my sister hurting, and that pains me a lot. The worst part is, you really don't give a damn.

This is going to be the first and last thing you'll ever get from me since the day you left us. This may be long but I'm ready to pour everything out, not to hurt you, not to blame you, not to incinerate you, not to threaten you. This is just me, giving you my last message.

That day you left us, I thought it was like the old times. You and mother fighting over your inability to withstand temptation. I thought it was just a day or two of separation and you'll patch things up. Yes, you two have had heated arguments that sometimes led to mother hurting you physically (one good thing about you is that you didn't hurt her back), but you always make up. You two always conquer challenges. When she asked you to leave, I even thought of giving you the 100 peso bill I had with me since I knew you didn't have much in your pocket. I was crying when you hugged me and whispered that you'll communicate with me, that you'll send help for Audric. My mistake was, I believed you.

It did not occur to me that you will love another woman and that she will be the reason that you will leave us. Yes, you are a womanizer. Yes you did cheat mother all the time. But you would always come back and you were always a family man. Well, I was wrong. I don't want to dwell on the things you did because as I've said, I do not want to point fingers at you anymore and blurt out insults. Nothing will come out of it anyway.

I'm not asking for your acceptance or for any help. I don't seem to feel pain anymore even if I still hear about you talking about me and him. Whatever you say Father, you are not going to take control of my life. You can't even handle your own. I hear you speak about him with disdain. You don't know him. You don't have the right to predict that our life will be worthless, that we will suffer, that we have no ambition, that we have nowhere to go. I may look like you, I may share some of your likes in life, but I will never be like you. I will never leave the people I love. I will never turn my back on my family and the people I care for the most. And unlike you, I will never prioritize myself over my family. I will never get tired of working for them, making sure that they live a good life. I will never be as self-centered as you.

I can accept you speaking about me and to me about how I've been wrong in my life. I know I haven't been perfect. I've committed sins and I was not the most responsible daughter. Thinking about it now, I was vehemently doing just the opposite of what you wanted. I know you wanted the best for me and it broke your heart when you came back home and saw that I have given birth. I expected anger, loneliness, regret, and compassion. I also expected happiness from you upon meeting little Audric, your first grandchild, a boy.

I saw how you did not want little Audric. I saw in your eyes that you did not like him. It hurt. Grandparents tend to love and adore cute little grandchildren, right? You said you saw Bryan in his face. And that moment, I knew you were never to accept him, that you will never accept that we are in love and we are a family already. You, whom I was so close to, whom I loved so much, did not want to have anything to do with my baby boy just because you hated his father.

I saw how these family events broke my mother and my sister's hearts. Maybe I was the stronger one. Or maybe I was just past dwelling on problems that I knew I had to move on. I tried to be there for them, I tried to be the leader, but I had another priority- Audric. And I always fell short, I just could not provide well for them. But I never left them. And I will never ever leave them.

Mother was shedding tears for months, far more than she had released in more than 20 years of marriage with you. I knew she was a hard woman, never one to show pain but you shattered her. You were the only one she loved and thought about. She gave you her all, she offered you more than you deserved, she forgave you time and again, she loved you with every way she knew, she believed that you will be her companion until her very last breath. Sister was busy trying to be happy but I knew how sad she was feeling inside. We had our rough times, we were merely speaking to each other, we lost touch. But even though she was laughing it out, being boisterous with her friends, going out all the time, I knew the truth- that she was missing something and she was lost.

I did not take over your responsibility but I was there for them, and still am. I try to provide with what I have and we spend more time with each other now. We talked about you, about us, about the family, and I encouraged them to stand up, go on, move forward and be happy. We have each other, and we have little Audric. He was our sunshine, our moonlight. He tugs at everyone's hearts and made all of them love. Even my grandfather, grandmother, uncles, aunts, and cousins were happier. Our Batangas home became lively when Audric came. He was always the top priority. And I pity you because you are alone. You rejected him. You shoved your family away and nothing you do will ever bring back what you should have had.

I do not detest you. I do not hate you. I do not have any feelings toward you. I'd really like for you to have read this but I just don't want to have anything to do with you anymore so this would have to just be some note that I failed to send.

LT Siya Sayo.

Minsan, hindi mo naman alam kung paano ka humantong sa kinalalagyan mo ngayon. Pero maaari rin namang alam mo talaga ang mga nangyari, hindi mo lang maamin sa sarili mo ang katotohanan.

Hindi mo naman siya trip nung una mong makita. Oo, cute, ganun. Pero hindi siya yung tipong iisipin mo yung mukha kapag hindi mo na kaharap. Hindi mo siya ninais makilala pa o makaclose. Hindi mo ramdam yung presensya niya kahit halos gabi-gabi kayong magkasama sa iisang silid. Ilang hakbang lang ang pagitan niyo pero hindi sumagi sa isip mo na lapitan siya. Hindi kayo nagtitinginan o nagngingitian kapag nagkakasalubong. Hindi mo nga matandaan kung ni minsan ba e nagkasalubong nga kayo. Hindi kayo nag-uusap o nagbabatian. Isa lang siya sa mga ordinaryong tao na nariyan sa paligid mo pero hindi mo pinaglalaanan ng kahit anong klaseng atensyon.

Kung iisipin mo, may isa o dalawang beses lang kayong nagkaroon ng kaunting komunikasyon. Una, nang humingi ka ng pabor sa kanya. Pero hindi pa rin ito naging daan para magkakilala kayo kasi halos lahat naman ng kakilala o kaibigan mo, hiningan mo ng kaparehong pabor. In fairness, isa siya sa iilang nagbigay ng sagot sa mensahe mo. May kasama pang smiley. Pero hindi mo pa rin ito binigyan ng atensyon. Ang mahalaga, dumagdag siya sa boto para mabigyan ka ng pagkakataong manalo sa isang contest na sinalihan mo. Ikalawa, ikaw na naman ang nanguna. Nileksyunan mo siya sa kaunting detalye na medyo mali ang ginawa niya. Hindi ka nag-isip ng kung ano noon. Basta ang sa iyo, maitama siya para hindi maulit at para hindi maapektuhan ang gawain niya. Parang sinubukan niyang ipagpatuloy ang kwentuhan niyo pero hindi mo na masyadong pinansin kasi wala ka namang interes. Basta para sayo, alam mo lang ang pangalan niya. Alam mong hindi siya single. Alam mo ring hindi siya ang tipo mo. At hindi man lang sumagi sa isip mo kahit minsan na magiging magkaibigan kayo, na magkakakilala pa kayo ng mas malalim. Hindi mo naisip na mapapadalas pala ang pag-iisip mo ng tungkol sa kanya.

Kung babalikan mo ang mga pangyayari, hindi mo pa rin maipapaliwanag ng malinaw. Nakita mo na siya dati. Namarkahan mo na siya sa scale system mo. Hindi mo siya trip. Hindi mo siya tipo. Hindi mo siya bet. Basta, hindi siya ang taong magugustuhan mo. Noon iyon. Sa isang iglap, naiisip mo na siya. Hindi mo alam kung paanong naging panatag na ang loob mo sa kanya. Hindi mo malaman kung paano kayo nagsimulang mag-usap. Hindi mo alam kung bakit ang dami mo na agad naikwento sa kanya. Hindi mo na maalala kung paano naging regular na kayong magkausap, Pati mukha niya, biglang nagbago sa paningin mo. Gusto mo na siyang makita ng madalas. Kulang ang araw kapag wala siya. Pati pag-uwi mo, naiisip mo siya. Namimiss mo pa nga ata. Anong nangyari sayo?

Para kang minadyik. Nawalan ka ng kontrol. Hindi mo kinaya. Para kang binagyo. Binaha ka pa. Biglang yung ngiti niya, bubuo na sa araw mo. Yung buhok niya, gusto mong hawakan, para wala lang. Alam mo yun, makahawak lang. Tapos gusto mo na tumitingin sayo yung mapungay niyang mata. Lalo na kapag ngumingiti siya habang nakatingin sayo. Parang gusto mo siyang lapitan at yakapin para lang maramdaman na totoo siya at na mahalaga ka rin sa kanya. Pero syempre, hindi mo gagawin yun. Kasi kahit papaano, nakakapagpigil ka pa rin naman . Hindi mo nga pinapahalata na ngayon ka lang ulit nawalan ng kontrol sa mga ganitong bagay. Hindi mo pinaparamdam na parte na siya ng buhay mo, anuman ang mangyari. Hindi niya pwedeng malaman. Hindi niyo pwedeng pag-usapan. Ayaw mo ng mga labeling. Ayaw mo ng mga tagging. Ayaw mo kasi ayaw mo ng mga komplikasyon. Pero ikaw sa sarili mo, alam mong oo, apektado ka na sa kanya. Baka nga pati yung puso mong akala mong wala na sayo, napasok na pala niya.

Kailangan mong maghinay-hinay. At kaya mo naman. Relaks lang. Hawak mo pa rin ang takbo ng araw-araw mo. Inhale. Exhale. Smile.