Emergency Call

Make me sigh, make me cry, make me high.

Let me feel, rip me.

I want this distance crossed.

I long for your touch, for your smile.

Time is such a nuisance,

distance, time's comrade.

They hinder, they suffocate,

they make me wreak with havoc.

I despair this hollowness.

Cut the line, let us entwine.

This darkness will not abide,

shine unto me, show me you,

touch me, caress me.

When you are here, then I may be still, then I may feel.

Sonnet I (in the form of a Shakespearean Sonnet)

In this lifetime of swirling bliss and blues

There's one hand I'll dare to touch, brave to grasp

Firmly, I will hold on, frightened to lose

Even when throngs tear us apart, we'll clasp

The crowd jeer and spite us, they disagree

They want us broken, so fill us with lies

The death of us will be the death of me

In likeness of Romeo and Juliet's demise

The root of us, so deep, abysmal

With Cupid's arrow striking at first sight

I longed and craved for, but had to stifle

You were Apollo, basking in the light

If this be wronged, we be persecuted

We'll endure, hand in hand, strongly bounded.

Tensed

Time has run out.
No plans, no future, no ideas.
I didn't know anything.
But again, the past is back.
Once, twice, thrice,
it is neverending.
Again and again, it doesn't fade.
Why not?
I cannot comprehend.
It is the same, however, so many has changed.
I would like to dream forever,
to grasp what is in front,
without thinking twice,
without getting judged.
I would like to never let go
until he asks,
until he tires.
I would like to live amongst the stars,
shine over everything,
never be wounded,
never drop a tear.
But I can only wish and hope.
Nothing lasts.
Not friendship, not love, not life.

Running After Mistakes (November 21, 2008)

Lahat nagbago na sa akin. Aminado naman akong napakarami ko nang nagawang maling desisyon. Alam ko, isang araw, maiisip ko na sana ginawa ko ito, sana hindi ko ginawa iyon, at kung anu-ano pa. Lagi nga nilang sinasabi, nasa huli ang pagsisisi. At malamang, mararamdaman ko rin yun. Na pagsisisihan ang ilan sa mga desisyong ginawa ko sa buhay ko. Oo, mararamdaman ko, pero hindi ko pagbubuhusan ng panahon. Lahat naman ng ginagawa ko ngayon, lahat naman ng iniisip ko ngayon, lahat naman ng nangyayari sa akin ngayon ay kagustuhan ko. Kung mali man para sa inyo, pasensya na lang. Kung mali man talaga, pasensya na lang ako.

Hindi naman ako magmamayabang na masaya ako. Dahil hindi naman talaga ako masaya. Matagal na. Madalas, mukhang ayos, mukhang walang problema. Ang hirap kasi pag parang akala mo masosolusyonan mo na ang mga kabigatang bumabagabag sayo, pero wala, lalo ka lang palang malulunod sa kalungkutan. Ang hirap pag kailangan mong mamili. Ang hirap pag gusto mong gawin ang letter A at gusto mong gawin ang letter B pero hindi pwede. Ang hirap pag lahat ng tao sumisigaw sayo ng "Mali ka! Mali ka!" pero sa kaibuturan ng puso mo, nararamdaman mong tama ka. Maaaring mali ka nga at tama sila pero sino ba naman ang totoong nakakaalam ng tama at mali? Ang mayorya? Paramihan ng kamay na sumasang-ayon? Kultura lang iyon. Tradisyon. Paniniwala. Nakasanayan. Hindi katotohanan.

Paano kung nagkasala ka sa mga tao at handa ka nilang patawarin at bigyan ulit ng isa pang pagkakataon, kahit na maraming beses ka na nilang pinagbigyan. Ayan, solb na ang problema mo. Ang bait nila. Ang lambot naman ng puso nila. Maayos na ulit ang buhay mo. Nung tatanggapin mo na, may isa pala silang hihinging kapalit. Siyempre, papayag ka sa kahit ano. Andyan ang kapatawaran at ang panibagong pagkakataon sa buhay. Nakangiti kang magtatanong kung ano ba iyon. At lahat sila, sabay-sabay na titingin sa tabi mo, ituturo ang tanging taong nagbibigay sayo ng kaligayahan, pag-asa, suporta, pang-unawa, tulong, at walang sawang pagmamahal. Siya pala ang kapalit. Kailangan mo siyang layuan. Kailangan mo siyang kalimutan. Kailangan mo siyang iwanan. Kailangan mo siyang bitawan.

Tapos ikaw, gusto mong gawin ang tama para sa lahat. Gusto mong gawin ang hinihiling nila. Para matapos na ang lahat. Pero nung gagawin mo na, nung ginagawa mo na, patuloy ang pagbagsak ng luha sa iyong mga mata. Naninikip ang iyong dibdib. Sumasakit ang iyong ulo. At bigla mong maiisip na masama kang tao.

Isasakripisyo mo ang taong hindi ka pinabayaan. Ang taong inintindi ka sa oras ng iyong katangahan, kabaliwan, at kaepalan. Ang taong inasikaso ka sa araw-araw na kasama mo siya, pinaglalaba ka ng damit, pinaghuhugas ka ng kinainan mo, inaabutan ka ng tubig pagkatapos mong kumain kahit hindi mo naman siya inuutusan, nagtitiklop ng payong mo pagkatapos mo tong magamit, nagmamasahe sa nananakit mong katawan kahit na mas pagod naman siya, nagbubuhat ng mabibigat mong gamit, bumubuhat sa iyo paakyat at pababa ng tatlong palapag kahit na mas mabigat ka pa sa kanya, bumubuhat sa iyo sa overpass kapag may tubig sa daan para hindi mabasa ang paa mo, nagpupunas ng luha mo sa tuwing umiiyak ka.

Andyan siya nakikinig sa lahat ng kwento mo, hindi ka niya tinalikuran at hindi ka niya pinagsarhan ng tenga. Andyan siya pinapatawa ka kahit magmukha na siyang tanga mawala lang ang simangot sa mukha mo. Hahabulin ka niya kapag nagwalk-out ka dahil nagalit ka, kahit sa totoo lang, kasalanan mo naman. Oo wala siyang pera kaya hindi ka niya mailibre at hindi ka niya mabilhan ng mga bagay na gusto mo. Pero tanda mo ba nung nagtrabaho siya ng dalawang linggo sa probinsya tapos pagkasweldo niya, lumuwas agad siya ng Maynila para makita ka, makasama ka, at mailibre ka naman. Tapos nagtrabaho na naman siya ng ilang linggo at ibinigay niya sayo lahat ng pera niya. Lumabas kayo at nagpalibre siya sayo pero pera naman talaga niya iyon. Gusto ka niyang bigyan ng bulaklak pero plastic na bulaklak na nasa baso lang nabili niya. Binilhan ka niya ng tigbebente na hikaw dahil alam niyang mahilig ka magsuot nito. Matagal siyang namili, pinapasukat sayo halos lahat, para makita kung alin ang pinakamaganda at babagay sayo.

Madalas mo siyang pagtawanan, awayin bigla, at masaktan ng hindi sinasadya. Pero hindi ka niya kailanman sinumbatan, hindi ka niya pinagsalitaan ng masama. Lagi mo siyang inaasar na makikipaghiwalay ka na, minsan seryoso pa ang tono pero hindi ka niya pinapatulan. Minsan naiyak na lang siya at dun mo naramdaman na nakakasakit ka na pala. Wala siyang ginawang kahit anong mali. Hindi niya kasalanang maging mahirap. Pinagsilbihan niya maging ang pamilya mo. Ginawa niya ang lahat para sayo. Tapos ikaw na wala nang tamang ginawa sa buhay ay iiwan na lang siya bigla-bigla. Dahil inutusan ka. Dahil pinakiusapan ka. Dahil pinilit ka.

Ano? Ano na ngayon? Magkakamali ka na naman ba?

Taking Risks

Love doesn't come in convenient packages.

I was struck with this line which Esme Cullen (a fictional character from the Twilight Saga) spoke of. And slowly, it reminded me of things I dreamt of, of romances I've experienced, and of heartaches I've dealt with.

I remember being seven years old and seeing this eight-year old thin and dark-skinned kid from across our classroom. I was immediately mesmerized with his huge eyes and kind smile. I didn't know what to make of the giddy feeling that my heart would have whenever I see him. All I knew was that I like seeing him even for just some time. He was my first crush and it went on for five long years. Not that I was ever faithful but yes, he was the ultimate dream of my young and innocent heart. I never got to more than knowing him and him knowing me but hey, it was fun having a crush. So fun that I even started writing a list of my so-called dream guy. Some qualities I wanted were: good-looking, tall, has a nice smile, kind, smart, God-fearing, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't smoke weed, industrious, sweet, thoughtful, caring, faithful, and loving. Well, I was in a mood listing down things that I was able to fill-up a whole page of pad paper.

It was like I was asking Santa Claus for a gift wrapped in a huge box and tied with a cute ribbon. I didn't know that it didn't work that way. I didn't know that I couldn't pick out a guy from a crowd who has all those qualities I listed down. I didn't even know that such a guy may or may not exist. I was too caught up in a fantasy inspired by storybooks, TV shows, songs, and movies. I didn't know that love does not work in such an easy and specific way. No. Love does not give us any kind of convenience at all.

We have to risk. We have to be brave to fall deep. We have to believe in something that gives us no guarantee. We have to give up a part of ourselves to someone almost unknown. We have to accept the physical, the mental, and the cultural aspects of another person without any warrant of being accepted in the same way. We offer much but cannot expect to be given as much back.

I see people falling in love and having different experiences at it, different inconveniences. There are those who fall in love with people of different background, of different status. To some, it offers no problem, but to others, their battle for love has just started. There are families who do not approve of their son's or daughter's relationship for they too have a set of standards. They want what's best for their children that they tend to overpower other people's feelings.

There are those who fall in love with friends who cannot reciprocate the feelings. The difficulty lies in that we cannot force love to another person, no matter what our reasons are, and no matter how we show our love to them. The amount of feelings end up filling one's heart too much that eventually, it has to be let out. There is no surety that the friendship will still hold true after a confession.

There are those who fall in love with people they haven't met yet. Trust is the only foundation that they have, aside from the conversations over snail mails, electronic mails, and chats. Some eventually end up together but a whole lot of them end up being fooled and moping in heartache for believing in such undependable circumstances. Some abuse the power of the virtual world not knowing that each word they say, no matter how insignificant it may be to them, can make or break another person.

There are those who fall in love with people of the same gender, hiding from the discriminating eyes of the public. Aside from familiar snide remarks of the spectators, they have to fight against long-held traditions and beliefs of the Church, of the government, of the community, of the whole world. Questions of morality, of right or wrong, of being ill, of being mentally unstable, of being a nuisance to society, of being abnormal seem to dart time after time on people who experience this kind of inconvenient love.

There are those who fall in love with people who are already taken, are already in relationships. They do not wish to destroy bonds, but they are judged immediately. They too cannot control the beating of their hearts. They too, are experiencing inconvenient love.

I remember falling in love with this guy who didn't even possess half of the qualities that I wanted back then. He was mediocre in all aspects but to me, he was almost perfect. Everything between us wasn't easy. Still, we knew that we were in love; we strongly believed that we should be together. I think love is just that. Of course we cannot escape the world and its people but it's always going to be based on the decisions that the two parties involved make. Love is just like everything else in the world, unknown and inconvenient until we learn what it really is, and until we learn how to deal with it.

3, 2, 1.. Action!

1. Eksena: Lunes. Paalis ako ng bahay para lumuwas at pumasok sa opisina. Siya ang nag-aayos ng mga gamit na dadalhin ko.

Siya: Dalhin mo rin yung green mong pants.

Ako: Wag na. Sira yun e, walang butones.

Siya: Meron na. Eto o, tinahian ko na. Maisusuot mo na uli.

2. Eksena: Kumuha siya ng puting t-shirt sa kabinet. Kumuha rin siya ng gunting.

Ako: Anong gugupitin mo?

Siya: Itong tshirt.

Ako: Mukhang bago pa yan gugupitin mo na.

Siya: Gusto ko eh. Pakialam mo.

Ako. Fine, di wala na akong pakialam. Wala na akong sasabihin.

*Nang magupit ang manggas ng tshirt, sinuot na niya.*

Ako: Hahaha. Bakit ang haba pa rin ng manggas. Anlaki tuloy tignan sayo.

Siya: Gugupitin ko pa nga sana (para magmukhang sando) pero pag sinuot mo, lalabas na yung tagiliran mo kasi magiging malaki na ang butas.

Ako: Ako ang inisip mo nung ginupit mo yan?

Siya: Siyempre! Ikaw ang inisip ko, alangan namang ako. Alam ko namang isusuot mo rin to pag naiinitan ka.

3. Eksena: Magkagalit kami mula Miyerkules ng hapon. Nasa QC ako at nasa Batangas siya. Naibato ko at nasira ang aking cellphone sa sobrang galit. Wala kaming komunikasyon hanggang umuwi ako sa bahay pagdating ng Sabado. Hindi kami nagpapansinan. Nakatulog ako sa puyat, pagod at pagiyak. Tulog ako at hinihimas niya ang aking buhok.

Siya: Akala mo kasi palagi hindi kita mahal at wala akong pakialam sayo. Kung alam mo lang, mahal na mahal talaga kita.

*Hinalikan niya ang aking kamay at umupo lang sa tabi ko habang hindi ko ipinapahalata na nagising ako at narinig ko ang sinabi niya.*

4. Eksena: Nasa jeep kami papuntang Tanauan. Kinwento ko na nagmessage sa akin ang dating manliligaw.

Ako: Nagmessage saken si **, kinakamusta ako. Tapos sabi tayo rin pala raw ang nagkatuluyan, kung kasal na raw tayo. Sabi ko pinagiipunan pa natin. Tapos tinanong ko kung sila ng girlfriend niya e kasal na.

Siya : (nangingiti pa) Aba at nagtatanong pa siya ha.

Ako: Wala lang naman yun. Tapos tinanong pa kung magkasama na raw tayo sa bahay. Saka kung ano raw trabaho mo.

Siya: Aba, aba. Napakatsismoso naman nun. Tapos sinasagot mo naman.

Ako: Wala lang nga yun. Napasagot lang e. Tapos sabi ko goodluck na lang sa kanya at sa kanila at mukha namang masaya sila.

Siya: Wag mo na nga yung rereplyan dun. Hayaan mo lang siya pag minessage ka.

Ako: Tapos sabi ba naman mas magiging masaya raw sana siya kung ako mapapangasawa niya.

Siya: P$#@##!#@! Sabihin mo sa kanya saken niya sabihin yun para makatikim siya. Sabihin mo kausapin niya tong kamao ko. Wag na wag ka na nga sasagot sa epal na yun ha. Bakit naman kasi kinakausap mo pa?! Magtigil tigil kamo siya. Bastos siya.

Ako: Sorry. Wag ka na magalit.

Siya: Galit ako. Galit na galit.

5. Eksena: Dalawang araw bago ang aming espesyal na raw ay umuwi ako sa bahay. Habang nakahiga ako sa kwarto, pumasok siya.

Siya: Anong meron sa Linggo?

Ako: 27! Alam ko yun.

Siya: Ay, may bibigay pala ako sayo.

Ako: Ano yun?

Siiya: Sa Linggo na.

Ako: May bibigay rin ako sayo! Ngayon na please.

Siya: Hahaha. Sa Linggo pa nga.

Ako: Ngayon na, ngayon na, ngayon na. Sige na.

Siya: Kulit mo talaga. Sige na nga. Naghanap pa ako kanina nang mapaglalagyan nun e.

Ako: Asan na? Akin na!

Siya: Yan. Wag mong tatawanan ha. Wala kasi akong pera, alam mo naman.

*Binigyan niya ako ng liham na nakasobre. Stationary na may mga puso ang ginamit niya. Nakasulat sa sobre- Mga puso ko yang nakikita mo para sayo.*

Ako: Stationary ko to nung elementary ah!

Siya: Aba, sakin na yan. Marami nga akong nakita kanina. May mga Harry Potter pa. Yun sana gagamitin ko pero nakita ko yan.

*Tuwang-tuwa naman ako habang binabasa ang kanyang liham.*

Ako: Thank you! Sweet naman.

Siya: O bakit ka naluluha? Iyakin! Wag ka ngang umiyak dyan.

Ako: E masayang masaya ako e! Andyan sa bag yung sayo.

*Nilabas niya yung magnetic pocket chessboard at binuksan.*

Siya: Salamat. Ang cute.

Ako: Laro tayo!

Siya: Game!

Grasping Infinity IV

"Human beings are such knotted, desperate pieces of work-it's a rare thing to know one completely, to the core, and still love him." - Dean Koontz

I was never into second chances or third chances. Once goodbye has been given, then forward I will move, without a glance at or a glimpse of the past. I was never into closures because as cliche as it sounds, actions really do speak louder than words. If I don't want something I used to like, then there's no need to explain. If I ignore you, then there's nothing to talk about anymore. You should know I hate being asked WHY. I always want everything planned, everything written down, and well thought of. I was always making lists-- things to do, gifts to give, budget, dreams to achieve, important events, and even characteristics I want in a guy. It always makes it easier to look at bullet points and see everything at a glance. I'm not going to brag about being able to follow my lists but well, I try. I always put my heart up to the challenge never to deviate from everything I've set up for myself, but well, there are quite a few exceptions. And well, in the love department, you are the only exception.

There we were again, trying to bridge the gap that was long created. Who would have thought there was anything left of the old flame. Who would have thought that you and I will fall in love a third time. I thought it was just a summer thing again. You know, we fall in love a few months and then lose touch and forget. I did not imagine for once that you were serious with me or that I was ready to love you irrevocably again. But destiny knew what it was doing. You asked me for another chance at love and I decided to give my heart to you again.

I used a sim card of your network just to save money with our communication. I was hesitant to give you sweet messages but you had the initiative and it helped me lose more of myself again. I wanted to see your face every second but I had to wait for you to come visit me at home. Good thing Mother was not strict anymore and that she welcomed you to our lives this time. Good thing she's addicted to playing cards, that way, we could talk and spend more time with each other. Good thing you were not shy anymore, we got to know more of each other. We talked about big and little things. We talked about our exes. We talked about our past, what you and I felt before, what really happened, and what each of us really wanted to happen. It felt good to finally know the person I have loved for the longest time. It felt good to finally feel this kind of happiness again: pure and genuine.

I have never felt this way with anyone else in my entire existence. I still remember the giddy feeling I had when I first saw you eight years ago. Your face still gives me this exhilaration. Your presence exalts my mind and heart. You make me love and love and love without end. I can't get over you and I think I never will. And when your lips first touched my cheek, I knew you were the one. I could not get myself to forget the feeling on my skin. I kept touching my cheek that night and I kept thinking I would not wash it. I was like a kid who was given a lollipop. I was like a bird who got to feel the wind on my wings the first time. It wasn't my first kiss but it deleted all the other memories like this was the first time that I'm falling in love. It was truly a different feeling I could not get enough of. I promised myself I wouldn't love anyone anymore. If this relationship won't work, I have nothing in me left to love someone else. That is it. No more other love stories to write. This is going to be the last.

We shared more stories and experiences. You wouldn't last a day without seeing me. I felt the same way. You really are addictive. You keep doing those simple things that make me crave for more. There was nothing grand but every moment was true joy. Do you remember the time you took me to the carnival again? You borrowed a vehicle from a neighbor and there you were, driving me to another barangay. We ate at someone's house then proceeded to enjoy at the carnival. You won from some game and treated me to the caterpillar ride. That was truly memorable. You make me so happy with just the simple things. I feel pure bliss with you. I did not want the night to end but Mother and Father were already texting me to go home. You brought me back and I was not able to close my eyes for a long time because I was scared that the memory will fade and that you'll be gone again.

Do you also remember the time we watched the movie "Caregiver"? Yeah, it was not the best movie to watch together but we had no choice. Anyway, I think you liked it because you were too immersed on it that I actually thought you forgot you were with me. I was waiting for you to hold my hand but the movie ended without any touch at all. Suffice to say, I was a bit disappointed. I asked you if you wanted to go out and you said no. So there we were, waiting for the movie to start again when I tried to hold your hand. I said mine were cold and I asked you to feel them. You obliged and then we were holding hands and watching the movie a second time. Sorry, I just could not wait any longer. It's been years. The movie ended after a few hours and you still did not want to go out. So again we held hands while watching the movie a third time. What were we thinking? Well, I was wishing the day will not come to an end. I did not want to go home. I did not want you to leave. I just wanted to stay with you. Always. For a long time. And I was thinking, well, more of wishing that this time, forever is possible for us.

Grasping Infinity III

I didn't expect that seeing you again would stir up my heart. I didn't want to be disloyal but the heck, I had a guy but you were still able to excite me, to make me smile, to interest me. One look at you and my heart would flutter relentlessly. It didn't help that you looked at me with such enticing eyes. I'd try to steal a glance and there you were, boring your huge eyes back at me. I was confused. I wanted more of you. And more of you I got. You made me love you the third time. And I didn't know how or why, but I did love you. And I still love you. With more ardor. With more intensity. With more of everything I felt for you before. You were my first love. You are the love of my life.

I was in a rocky relationship when we communicated with each other again. We weren't saying anything romantic. We were merely catching up on the years that passed through text messages. I must admit that I could not get enough of you, of your face which I've engraved in my mind. Every time I would get a chance, I would come with Mother just to see you. She was always going to that house beside yours, playing cards with a few people. And I would accompany her, pretending to watch, when all I really wanted was to sneak peeks at you, to feel you close. I didn't care if we still did not talk, I just wanted to be near you and know that you were there.

My boyfriend at that time wasn't doing anything for our relationship anymore. We were having more quarrels than you could imagine and I was being drained out of emotions. I cried over the hurtful things he said, and over the things he wasn't able to do for me anymore. I tried to do everything I could to settle things but he had too much pride. He was too selfish and he didn't dare admit his faults. When I get mad, he gets mad too. He didn't humble himself. He didn't give me gentleness. He fought fire with fire and even though I loved him, I had my limits.

Two days before our 16th month anniversary, I broke up with him. You didn't have anything to do with it. There were too many issues and he didn't stop me. He didn't reply anymore and that was it. Later that night, I tried to text him, pretending to be his ex-girlfriend. And it hurt me more when he texted back with such flirtatious comments. He told her (well, it was me) that he missed her, that he missed her beautiful face, that he wanted to see her. I was devastated. I admitted that it was me texting him and he didn't reply anymore. The day finished with my eyes bulging from too much crying.

I didn't hear from him the next day. I didn't give much thought anymore. I was depressed. I was feeling so down.I craved to see you. A glimpse of you would ease the pain even a little. You were my apothecary.

The following day gave us our new beginning. My sister asked me to eat in a nearby canteen. Mother was out of the house, playing cards and there was no food at home. After eating, we decided to watch a basketball game being held in our barangay basketball court. We didn't know who were playing but we decided to go just to spend time. When we arrived, my heart started racing. Your team was playing. And of course, you were there inside the court. I didn't know how to react. We stood at the back of your bench and watched as the game went on. Your game seemed off. I watched you run and jump throughout the court. Still, to me, you were a sight to behold. You jumped so high. Your legs were so thin and long. You were so agile. I was entertained. I caught you looking at me a few times. I wanted to know what you were thinking at that moment. I wanted to talk to you even though a whole lot of people were watching. I just wanted to talk, even for a few minutes. But you were too shy. Still.

I got more depressed so I wanted to go home. I texted you a message saying that my sister and I would be going home now and that you were such a snob. We started walking when you responded. I was surprised. You asked me if you could drive us home in a motorcycle. I didn't know what to say. We obliged and then in a blink, there I was, clutching your sides, riding behind you. I started talking. You were so close. You smelled so good even though you just finished playing ball. I wanted to hug you so fiercely, never let you go. This was the first time I got this close with you. I didn't want the ride to stop. I wanted to cry and tell you how much I missed you. I had so many questions to ask, so many stories to tell, but there wasn't enough time. Home came so soon. We had to say goodbye then.

Grasping Infinity II

I didn't know that we would be together again. I remembered all those times that you made me smile, that you made me laugh, that you made me cry. It was so unreal now. You were here again. And I didn't give a damn if they all hated you. Well, not you, but the picture they had of us being together. They focused on our incompatibility. They thought you had no right to be with me. I was the princess and you, the pauper. I never thought of us that way. They were always so harsh in their words and each insult they spew, was an arrow that darted through my heart. Nothing has changed. I love you. You love me. Our love was taboo. And yet, we tried. We really did. I am deeply sorry. Again.

We saw each other in a basketball game. I rarely roam around our town, I was a home buddy. My family was strict and they didn't want me and my sister displaying around the neighborhood. What arrogance. I hated it. I wanted a simple life. And I wanted you. I entered a shooting contest. Somebody asked me to, and there were going to be prizes. Money. It sounded good to someone who didn't have anything to do that morning. I was hesitant at first because the thought of shooting in front of a hundred unknown eyes was terrifying. Or simply put, too embarrassing. You knew me too well to understand that feeling. You were watching me the whole time.

We had our communication once more. A big thanks to mobile phones. We texted each other a lot and I had my big break when I invited you to go stroll. You immediately agreed though you said you didn't have the resources to go out. I volunteered mine and still, you did try to have your own. Thank you for always trying. It made me admire you more. I didn't know how to act in front of you. I didn't know that three years could change someone a lot. I didn't know that you have changed. And well, of course I did too.

You talked to me. Yes, you spoke to me first. That was new. I felt intimidated. I didn't know I was in for a surprise. You eventually went to the point of asking me if we could go back to the way it was before. Or at least, get back together and try again. I was hesitant. It was too soon. But I told you that we could. My heart was beating rapidly throughout the day. You were there, beside me. I didn't know feelings could last that long. It was like my heart pounded with every word you say. Love. That was the only thought in my mind. I love you still and I want you back. There was no closure before. I need to have you again. To love me. And to be loved by me. One more time.

It was 2004. We got back but I went away. I entered college in a university far away from home. I was in the city, and you stayed in the province. I thought we could handle this kind of long distance relationship. I still went home during the weekends anyway. But we rarely saw each other. You were in our little town, and I was in the big city, with so many new things to do, and new faces to meet. I am sorry. My feelings changed. I am sorry. I took you for granted. I am sorry. I really am.

There were guys who tried to court me from our little town. You knew about them. You knew them. You were friends with them. We were a secret. Taboo love was really hard, for you especially. I am sorry. This one guy fetched me from the jeepney station every Friday that I would go home. I didn't tell you because it wasn't something that would ruin our relationship, in my opinion. I was wrong. You surprised me one evening by waiting for me there. You saw him and you walked away. You didn't tell me that you were hurt, that you were pained, that I broke your heart that night. I was bad. Then you changed. I did too. Our love flew away.

I had this huge crush on a basketball varsity player in our university. Put into words, I was kind of obsessed. I thought of him everyday. I tried all ways just to see him everyday. I forgot about my feelings for you. Or a more apt description would be that my love for you was thrown into a hole, covered, waiting to be dug and released. Eventually our communication diminished. You were still trying to contact me every hour of the day but I wasn't interested anymore. I was too busy with my university life. I was too occupied with my new freedom. I was in the city. Alone with a wide array of opportunities and new experiences. I am sorry. I forgot you. We were going nowhere. You also did your part.

When you texted me that you wanted to break up because you have a new girl in your life, I didn't cry. I didn't feel sad. It felt right to just finish it off. You gave me an escape. But I didn't know that my love for you would surface again. I realized that I love you still and then the shock came. I didn't believe for even a second that you could love another, that you could leave me, that you could forget me. I cried myself to sleep. I wanted you to come back but I made no step to do something about our faltered relationship. I just prayed that you would love me again. Days passed and I knew it was over. We didn't talk, we didn't try to do anything. I guess you were happy with her, with that trash. Yes, she is that and nothing more.

I must admit I was arrogant. I was stuck up. But I had my reasons and you knew I was right. She was nothing compared to me. She was nothing to what I gave you, to my ways of loving you, and to my never ending support of you. I had my mistakes but you had more. I was full of angst and I lost a huge chunk of myself. I used to believe in fairy tales and happy endings, in true love and soul mates. You took that away from me. You were the only boy I've ever loved that way. When you broke my heart, you took away my belief in love.

I thought everything between us would be finished. Years passed again. We saw each other from time to time but we did nothing but look. Again, no words were enough to explain the love that would never cease, and the feelings that have been marred by time. It was still me you longed for. And it was still you I wanted. I do not know why. It felt weird to still think of you, to still dream of you, to still hope for you. I fell in love with you again. And you still had the same feelings for me. I didn't believe that such a strong bond could exist. It was 2008. And our love rose from the dead.

Grasping Infinity I

I love you. Yes, I deeply do. This I will tell you, from the abyss of my mind and my heart, no matter where you go and however long you may be gone, you will always be the only one. You have always been the one. Nothing and no one can change that. Not even distance. Nor time.

Its been eight years since I've first laid eyes on you. That moment sent shivers throughout my spine. Love at first sight. Not everyone believes in such. Crap. Lie. Illusion. Make-believe stories. Who the hell falls truly, madly, and deeply in love with some person you just saw in one corner? Well, damn them all but I did. God knows I did. I memorized your face that time. I wished to see more of you. I dreamt of you. I didn't need to know you to say that you are a good person. I didn't care if you would ever know me or not. I just had this flood of feelings that I had to spill out. Not to you, but to the open air. It was April of the year 2000.

I didn't want to believe that you would even think of me or more so, reciprocate my feelings. I didn't want to believe it at first. That you, the love of my life, find me pretty. That you crave to see me every hour of the day. That you can't seem to find the words to say whenever you see me and whenever I am near you. That you have fallen for me too the first time you laid your huge eyes on me.

We were too young. I was twelve and you were fifteen. It could have been puppy love or mere crushes. But you showed me in all possible ways that you can, that you were in love with me. I always feel your eyes on me. And yes, I do steal a few glances at you too. Okay, so it wasn't merely a few, but loads of glances. I find you looking at me in even the most awkward places. Your huge brown eyes speak more than your lips. We connected, but all we could do was smile at each other.

Do you remember the time we both attended that birthday party in the neighborhood? We didn't come together but we went there for the sake of seeing one another. People were dancing and there you were, looking sheepishly at me. Then your friend approached me and told me that you wanted to talk to me. I was ecstatic. This would have to be the first time that we would really talk. Alone. It was August already. Unfortunately, you really can't speak up to me. You started fidgeting when I moved close. You perspired. I looked at you and waited for you to say something. You were too shy. I ended up asking you what you wanted to tell me. Well, you didn't have the courage to even answer me. You walked away and went back to your friend.

And well, your friend being a bridge and all, was the one who told me that you wanted to walk me home after the party. I agreed and we walked together. Only a few steps to my home, I finally heard your voice. You apologized for not being able to dance with me. You apologized for not being able to speak up when you called for me. You apologized for smoking in front of me because you knew I detested cigarettes. And you said that you enrolled in school that year because you suddenly had the urge to study again because of me. All I could do was smile and shout for joy silently so you won't know how much all of those things deeply affected me.

Come September, my birthday arrived. My cousin told you about it that very day. All I wanted was for you to greet me but you surprised me. It was eight in the evening, the rain was pouring really hard when you knocked on our door. We were at my grandma's, situated at the side of our house, and everyone of my family was there. You were a bit wet, but you were brave enough to come and give me a gift, a Hello Kitty stuffed toy. I would never forget that night. You were the surprise I've been wishing for all day.

I miss our carnival days. When you would win some junk foods and ask your friends to give it to me, when you would invite me to the carnival rides, when we would spend the evening with my cousin and your friends, and when you would walk me home. All that happened on the month of February. Valentine's day was just as memorable. I never expected anything from you for I knew that you have no money. But come nighttime, you knocked on our door and gave me a gift, a Hello Kitty bath towel. Your efforts were enough to make me fall deeper. I loved you more. Yes, I did, I still do.

You were the one thing that made my summer vacation very enjoyable. We played volleyball, we picked up vegetables, we watched TV in our house with all my relatives, we spent every possible time we can, close to each other. So far, we have never talked about love and relationships.

One day, you did something that I would forever hold dear in my heart. You made a really huge kite. And on that kite, you engraved our initials, with a heart in the middle. Whenever you would fly it, everyone would tease you and I was the one who would feel embarrassed by it.

The time came when you had the courage to speak up your feelings. It has been more than a year. It was in the month of May when you asked me to be your girlfriend. Well, it wasn't as smooth as you practiced because as always, you had a very difficult time speaking with me. But yes, you were able to deliver your lines and the very first thing I replied was a simple "I don't know". Gahd, I was thirteen and you were sixteen. What the hell was going on? You kept on asking and finally, I said yes. I was feeling pure joy. I loved you. That time, my heart was going to burst. I thought it was going to be forever. But nothing really lasts. We didn't even last a month.

There was no closure. I still wished to see you. I still loved you. Fate was not on our side. We didn't do anything wrong, we didn't want it to happen, but we went our separate ways. I apologize for my family and for the way they treated you. They were arrogant and were on a high pedestal. I was their eldest daughter, I was young, and I was not supposed to be with someone just like you. They judged you for your status. I never thought of you as such. I never cared that you were poor, that you had those vices, that you were in a public school. I loved you wholeheartedly, unconditionally. But I didn't have the chivalry to fight for you and for my feelings. I guess I was just too young.

After a few weeks, I saw you again. You were there, in the corner of the alley leading to our house. I was just on the way home from school, in our school service. We looked at each other and then you were out of my sight. I cried that night. My heart was broken, I wanted that moment, when we look at each other, to last. I wanted time to freeze. It didn't even last a minute. The following afternoon, you were there again. And the next day, and the next. Even when it was raining, you would stand there while holding an umbrella. Why did you do that? What did you get? A glimpse of me? Were you really that in love with me? I wake up everyday and wished that afternoon would come soon. You were the highlight of my day. But again, nothing really lasts. One day, you were not there. And the next day, and the next.

We didn't see each other for so long. I met other people, had a relationship with another guy. Three years passed until our love story will continue. I didn't forget you, even one bit. You were always the dearest one in my heart. I was glad that you wanted me still. I was glad we saw each other again that year. 2004. I guess my charm's just too damn powerful on you. You fell in love with me for the second time. And I did too.

Inevitable

"True love allows each person to follow his or her own path, aware that doing so can never drive them apart."

I would like to think that I have grown up. It's not about my age. It's not about the things I have done. I would like to believe that I have learned from my experiences, that I am better suited to make a decision that I have thought of from different perspectives and have weighed from various aspects. I would like to plan for longterm results. I would like to have faith in our future, to never waver on what we have and what we have built together. I would like to trust wholeheartedly on another person's decision whatever the circumstances and consequences may be.

"Accept what life offers you and try to drink from every cup. All wines should be tasted; some should only be sipped, but with others, drink the whole bottle."

Kalat na Kaisipan (August 4, 2009 9:23 AM)

Ang pinakamahirap sagutin na panghalip pananong: Bakit?

Gusto kong gumawa ng talaan ng mga dahilan. Pero wala akong maisip. Siguro maige pang maglista na lang ng mga karanasan, ng mga kaganapan.

Napanood mo na ba ang My Sassy Girl? Nabasa mo na ba ang Brida o yung Eleven Minutes ni Coelho? E yung sinulat ni Garcia-Marquez na Love in the Time of Cholera? Kilala mo ba si Junot Diaz? Siya yung sumulat nung The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao na nagwagi ng Pulitzer Prize. Napakinggan mo na ba yung awiting Antukin ni Rico Blanco o kaya yung Kundiman ng Silent Sanctuary? Kung wala kang alam sa mga nabanggit kong iyan, subukan mo kahit isa. Wala lang. Try mo lang.

O sige, konting kowtabol kowts muna.

Mula sa bersyon ng US ng My Sassy Girl:

“ If we never see each other again... And you're out walking one day and you feel a certain presence beside you... that will be me, loving you, wherever I am.”

“As for the question of destiny... all I know is that even when destiny really wants to accomplish something, it can't do it alone. You still have to go to that restaurant. You still have to show up. You still have to build a bridge... to the one you love.”

“Some of us are meant to suffer, you know? Some of us are led to believe that we have this certain destiny and then it just gets snatched away. But we have to stay alive. ‘Cause we have to see how our story ends.”

Mula sa Brida ni Paulo Coelho:

"But how will I know who my Soulmate is?"

"By taking risks," Wicca said to Brida.

"By risking failure, disappointment, disillusion, but never ceasing in your search of love. As long as you keep looking, you will triumph in the end"

Mula sa Eleven Minutes ni Paulo Coelho:

“Profound desire, true desire is the desire to be close to someone. From that point onwards, things change, the man and the woman come into play, but what happens before–the attraction that brought them together–is impossible to explain. It is untouched desire in its purest state. When desire is still in this pure state, the man and the woman fall in love with life, they live each moment reverently, consciously, always ready to celebrate the next blessing. When people feel like this, they are not in a hurry, they do not precipitate events with unthinking actions. They know that the inevitable will happen, that what is real always finds a way of revealing itself. When the moment comes, they do not hesitate, they do not miss an opportunity, they do not let slip a single magic moment, because they respect the importance of each second.”

Mula sa Love in the Time of Cholera ni Garcia-Marquez:

“To him she seemed so beautiful, so seductive, so different from ordinary people, that he could not understand why no one was as disturbed as he by the clicking of her heels on the paving stones, why no one else's heart was wild with the breeze stirred by the sighs of her veils, why everyone did not go mad with the movements of her braid, the flight of her hands, the gold of her laughter. He had not missed a single one of her gestures, not one of the indications of her character, but he did not dare approach her for fear of destroying the spell.”

“Together they had overcome the daily incomprehension, the instantaneous hatred, the reciprocal nastiness, and fabulous flashes of glory in the conjugal conspiracy. It was time when they both loved each other best, without hurry or excess, when both were most conscious of and grateful for their incredible victories over adversity. Life would still present them with other moral trials, of course, but that no longer mattered: they were on the other shore.”

Mula sa The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao ni Junot Diaz:

"It's never the changes we want that change everything."

"But if these years have taught me anything it is this: you can never run away. Not ever. The only way out is in."

Mula sa Antukin ni Rico Blanco:

Pinaiyak ka ng manghuhula

Hindi na raw tayo magkasamang tatanda

Buti nalang

Merong langit na nagtatanggol sa

Pag ibig na pursigido't matyaga

Mula sa Kundiman ng Silent Sanctuary:

Para kang asukal

Sintamis mong magmahal

Para kang pintura

Buhay ko ikaw ang nagpinta

Para kang unan

Pinapainit mo ang aking tiyan

Para kang kumot na yumayakap

Sa tuwing ako’y nalulungkot

Kung hindi man tayo hanggang dulo

Wag mong kalimutan

Nandito lang ako

Laging umaalalay

Di ako lalayo

Dahil ang tanging panalangin ko ay ikaw

Mga karagdagang tanong pa.

Nainlove ka na ba? Paano? Saan? Kailan? Bakit? Kanino?

Nasaktan ka na ba sa pag-ibig? Paano?

Nahusgahan ka na ba dahil sa pagmamahal?

Kailan nga ba pinakamasarap ang pag-ibig?

Paano ka nakasiguradong totoo ang naramdaman mo?

Paano ka magmahal?

Paano mo gustong mahalin ka?

Anong hinahanap mo sa taong mamahalin mo?

Ano ba ang ibig sabihin ng pag-ibig sayo?

Bakit mo siya mahal?

Bakit daw?

Bakit nga?

BAKIT?

Ganito ang istorya. May babae. May lalaki. Nagkita sila isang araw. Nang makita ni babae si lalaki, yun na. Wala nang paliwanag pa. Pag-ibig. Para kay babae. Para kay lalaki.

Magsisiwalat ng bahagya si babae.

Sandali lang.