Taking Risks

Love doesn't come in convenient packages.

I was struck with this line which Esme Cullen (a fictional character from the Twilight Saga) spoke of. And slowly, it reminded me of things I dreamt of, of romances I've experienced, and of heartaches I've dealt with.

I remember being seven years old and seeing this eight-year old thin and dark-skinned kid from across our classroom. I was immediately mesmerized with his huge eyes and kind smile. I didn't know what to make of the giddy feeling that my heart would have whenever I see him. All I knew was that I like seeing him even for just some time. He was my first crush and it went on for five long years. Not that I was ever faithful but yes, he was the ultimate dream of my young and innocent heart. I never got to more than knowing him and him knowing me but hey, it was fun having a crush. So fun that I even started writing a list of my so-called dream guy. Some qualities I wanted were: good-looking, tall, has a nice smile, kind, smart, God-fearing, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't smoke weed, industrious, sweet, thoughtful, caring, faithful, and loving. Well, I was in a mood listing down things that I was able to fill-up a whole page of pad paper.

It was like I was asking Santa Claus for a gift wrapped in a huge box and tied with a cute ribbon. I didn't know that it didn't work that way. I didn't know that I couldn't pick out a guy from a crowd who has all those qualities I listed down. I didn't even know that such a guy may or may not exist. I was too caught up in a fantasy inspired by storybooks, TV shows, songs, and movies. I didn't know that love does not work in such an easy and specific way. No. Love does not give us any kind of convenience at all.

We have to risk. We have to be brave to fall deep. We have to believe in something that gives us no guarantee. We have to give up a part of ourselves to someone almost unknown. We have to accept the physical, the mental, and the cultural aspects of another person without any warrant of being accepted in the same way. We offer much but cannot expect to be given as much back.

I see people falling in love and having different experiences at it, different inconveniences. There are those who fall in love with people of different background, of different status. To some, it offers no problem, but to others, their battle for love has just started. There are families who do not approve of their son's or daughter's relationship for they too have a set of standards. They want what's best for their children that they tend to overpower other people's feelings.

There are those who fall in love with friends who cannot reciprocate the feelings. The difficulty lies in that we cannot force love to another person, no matter what our reasons are, and no matter how we show our love to them. The amount of feelings end up filling one's heart too much that eventually, it has to be let out. There is no surety that the friendship will still hold true after a confession.

There are those who fall in love with people they haven't met yet. Trust is the only foundation that they have, aside from the conversations over snail mails, electronic mails, and chats. Some eventually end up together but a whole lot of them end up being fooled and moping in heartache for believing in such undependable circumstances. Some abuse the power of the virtual world not knowing that each word they say, no matter how insignificant it may be to them, can make or break another person.

There are those who fall in love with people of the same gender, hiding from the discriminating eyes of the public. Aside from familiar snide remarks of the spectators, they have to fight against long-held traditions and beliefs of the Church, of the government, of the community, of the whole world. Questions of morality, of right or wrong, of being ill, of being mentally unstable, of being a nuisance to society, of being abnormal seem to dart time after time on people who experience this kind of inconvenient love.

There are those who fall in love with people who are already taken, are already in relationships. They do not wish to destroy bonds, but they are judged immediately. They too cannot control the beating of their hearts. They too, are experiencing inconvenient love.

I remember falling in love with this guy who didn't even possess half of the qualities that I wanted back then. He was mediocre in all aspects but to me, he was almost perfect. Everything between us wasn't easy. Still, we knew that we were in love; we strongly believed that we should be together. I think love is just that. Of course we cannot escape the world and its people but it's always going to be based on the decisions that the two parties involved make. Love is just like everything else in the world, unknown and inconvenient until we learn what it really is, and until we learn how to deal with it.