Unsent

I remember pouring this out a year ago. I never thought of posting it anywhere but here it is.

I never would have written this. Except that I can't stand how indifferent you are to your family. I've been able to live through a whole year without the need to speak to you, see you, or think about you and all the things you have done. I just wanted to forget about you and end our memories so that I'll only have the happy times with you in my brain vault. I would rather be silent but I see my mother and my sister hurting, and that pains me a lot. The worst part is, you really don't give a damn.

This is going to be the first and last thing you'll ever get from me since the day you left us. This may be long but I'm ready to pour everything out, not to hurt you, not to blame you, not to incinerate you, not to threaten you. This is just me, giving you my last message.

That day you left us, I thought it was like the old times. You and mother fighting over your inability to withstand temptation. I thought it was just a day or two of separation and you'll patch things up. Yes, you two have had heated arguments that sometimes led to mother hurting you physically (one good thing about you is that you didn't hurt her back), but you always make up. You two always conquer challenges. When she asked you to leave, I even thought of giving you the 100 peso bill I had with me since I knew you didn't have much in your pocket. I was crying when you hugged me and whispered that you'll communicate with me, that you'll send help for Audric. My mistake was, I believed you.

It did not occur to me that you will love another woman and that she will be the reason that you will leave us. Yes, you are a womanizer. Yes you did cheat mother all the time. But you would always come back and you were always a family man. Well, I was wrong. I don't want to dwell on the things you did because as I've said, I do not want to point fingers at you anymore and blurt out insults. Nothing will come out of it anyway.

I'm not asking for your acceptance or for any help. I don't seem to feel pain anymore even if I still hear about you talking about me and him. Whatever you say Father, you are not going to take control of my life. You can't even handle your own. I hear you speak about him with disdain. You don't know him. You don't have the right to predict that our life will be worthless, that we will suffer, that we have no ambition, that we have nowhere to go. I may look like you, I may share some of your likes in life, but I will never be like you. I will never leave the people I love. I will never turn my back on my family and the people I care for the most. And unlike you, I will never prioritize myself over my family. I will never get tired of working for them, making sure that they live a good life. I will never be as self-centered as you.

I can accept you speaking about me and to me about how I've been wrong in my life. I know I haven't been perfect. I've committed sins and I was not the most responsible daughter. Thinking about it now, I was vehemently doing just the opposite of what you wanted. I know you wanted the best for me and it broke your heart when you came back home and saw that I have given birth. I expected anger, loneliness, regret, and compassion. I also expected happiness from you upon meeting little Audric, your first grandchild, a boy.

I saw how you did not want little Audric. I saw in your eyes that you did not like him. It hurt. Grandparents tend to love and adore cute little grandchildren, right? You said you saw Bryan in his face. And that moment, I knew you were never to accept him, that you will never accept that we are in love and we are a family already. You, whom I was so close to, whom I loved so much, did not want to have anything to do with my baby boy just because you hated his father.

I saw how these family events broke my mother and my sister's hearts. Maybe I was the stronger one. Or maybe I was just past dwelling on problems that I knew I had to move on. I tried to be there for them, I tried to be the leader, but I had another priority- Audric. And I always fell short, I just could not provide well for them. But I never left them. And I will never ever leave them.

Mother was shedding tears for months, far more than she had released in more than 20 years of marriage with you. I knew she was a hard woman, never one to show pain but you shattered her. You were the only one she loved and thought about. She gave you her all, she offered you more than you deserved, she forgave you time and again, she loved you with every way she knew, she believed that you will be her companion until her very last breath. Sister was busy trying to be happy but I knew how sad she was feeling inside. We had our rough times, we were merely speaking to each other, we lost touch. But even though she was laughing it out, being boisterous with her friends, going out all the time, I knew the truth- that she was missing something and she was lost.

I did not take over your responsibility but I was there for them, and still am. I try to provide with what I have and we spend more time with each other now. We talked about you, about us, about the family, and I encouraged them to stand up, go on, move forward and be happy. We have each other, and we have little Audric. He was our sunshine, our moonlight. He tugs at everyone's hearts and made all of them love. Even my grandfather, grandmother, uncles, aunts, and cousins were happier. Our Batangas home became lively when Audric came. He was always the top priority. And I pity you because you are alone. You rejected him. You shoved your family away and nothing you do will ever bring back what you should have had.

I do not detest you. I do not hate you. I do not have any feelings toward you. I'd really like for you to have read this but I just don't want to have anything to do with you anymore so this would have to just be some note that I failed to send.